Whether we are in touch with it or not, we all have a default thought, reaction, gut feeling, tendency.  I’m not sure whether to credit nature, nurture, or a combination of the two, but I know it’s there.  And it is not always visible, obvious, “in your face.”    Sometimes it is the little voice whispering from within the deep recesses of your brain that only you hear, after much straining.

I recently became in touch in my default code following regular life stuff – exhaustion, grumpy people, unexpected bills, parenting.  The hubs and I were talking through a couple of situations and that tricky little voice came out from some brain fold – a sneak attack of vulnerability I was not suspecting:  “I just feel inadequate.”

Well that’s weird.  Nobody had come close to using those words to me, it was almost like someone said something else, it went through a language warp and entered my brain as “currently, in this situation, you are inadequate.”  And then I realized I think I have this thought quite a bit.  New challenge, problem, area requiring attention?  Someone in my immediate radius not happy?  It is happening because I am inadequate quips that little voice.  Oh, much of the time it is silenced, hushed, ignored.  But it is there.

Well that’s a conundrum.  Because I don’t typically meet the “struggles with inadequacy stereotype.”  I’m not the wall flower that shies away from conflict or fails to speak her mind or avoids problems.  Conversely, I pull of confidence pretty smoothly (credit God),  have to bite my tongue regularly, and thoroughly enjoy problem solving.  Further – there is irony here.  I edit.    I tell others, “don’t take it personally,  the words, they just need a little dancing with on the paper, a little tweak here and there.”  That’s basically like telling someone, in a very politically correct way, that what they have just created, well is, inadequate.  I say it to others clearly and concisely, in RED, yet miss it when I say it to myself.

So, what to do with this default code?  What an exciting discovery to know it is there!  That reason I was feeling down, discouraged, defeated, impatient, defensive, well, it’s because my brain defaults to that.  But I don’t want to bank excuses for the rest of my years, I must equip myself with the reminder to reset.  Kind of like how you turn everything off, take the batteries out and put them back, and affect a fresh start.  We all need a means to do this – there are several available, however the efficacy of them, questionable.  Let’s face it, we all probably know of people who try to reset with several drinks, meaningless sex, binge shopping or eating, chronic one-up-ness with others, travel, or just being a jerk to whoever crosses their path.  I don’t question whether these options provide the reset function, I question how helpful they are for long term resolution.   Try as you may, that little voice, still there.

I have found that the God approach – very helpful.  With personal seeking, digging, reading, exploring, questioning, resolving, praying, learning.  God doesn’t want this gig with you simply because someone tells you to do so, He wants it genuinely, sincerely, intimately with you.  He wants to transform your way of thinking.  He is the Master Code.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will

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